


when i'm like this you're the one i trust

by elyrey



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death In Dream, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Tim Drake Angst, Tim Drake Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26920327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elyrey/pseuds/elyrey
Summary: “Youdied,” he tried to snap, to hopefully push Dickaway, but his voice broke. “You—youfell, and I couldn’t catch you in time."
Relationships: Tim Drake/Dick Grayson
Comments: 12
Kudos: 95





	when i'm like this you're the one i trust

**Author's Note:**

> _Alright_ , folks! I finally finished a fic with both angst _and_ DickTim, which is, personally, my fave ship. There will eventually be more. ~~Probably.~~
> 
> Onto the "Thank you"s to the people who helped me with this fic. Thank you _so much_ to the people who brainstormed this with me: Aque and Mizuphae! And a _huge_ "thank you" to the betas for this fic: robinlikeitshot and kitcat!!! And finally, _thank you so, so much_ to one of my best friends (who will probably never read this, but they get a thank you anyway) for introducing me to the song I used for the title. I told them I shipped Dick/Tim and a few days later they send me this song, saying it seemed like a good DickTim ship song, and it _is_.
> 
> Title is from "Blinding Lights" by The Weeknd, and it is. _Such_ a DickTim song okay. It is. Or at least, it is for me. ~~I totally haven't been listening to it on repeat, I don't know what you're talking about.~~

Tim reached out, someone was screaming – _was it him?_ – but Dick was still falling and falling and _where was his grapple!_ Dick reached back for him but— he was too far, too far, _too far!_

_“Dick!_ ” He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even close his eyes as Dick hit the broken concrete with a resounding _crack_. He watched every second, the sight forever seared in his mind.

The world shifted around him and he found himself in the Cave. Tim didn’t know how he’d gotten there and he didn’t care, Dick was _dead_ and—

“My son’s body is on that table because of _you_ ,” Bruce growled. “ _Jason_ would have caught him. _Damian_ would have caught him. And he’s caught _you_ before. I knew from the start you would never be as worthy of the Robin title, never as good as them. If I had known it would get _my son_ killed, you never would have become Robin.”

Jason scoffed, sprawled over in the chair by Di— _the_ body. “Shouldn’t be surprised. Everyone close to him gets killed. He got his own _dad_ killed, why not his boyfriend too while he’s at it?”

Damian snarled, tears running down his face, and leapt forward with a knife in hand—

“ _TIM!_ ”

Tim jolted up, grabbing his attacker’s arm and pinning them to the floor before wrenching their shoulder up and—

The person under him sucked in a sharp breath as they hit the ground. When they spoke, their voice was strained. “Timmy, baby bird, it’s just me, Dick. Sweetheart, you were having a nightmare. I shouldn’t have shaken you awake, but, baby, you weren’t waking up. Come on, Timmy, you’re safe. You’re safe, I’m safe, can you let me up now, sweetheart? We’re okay, but I need you to let me up.”

_Dick_. A distressed keen slipped from Tim as he threw himself backwards, as far away from Dick as he could get. He’d _killed-hurt-maimed_ him, it was all his fault, oh _god_. His eyes were glued to the bruise on Dick’s arm as he sat up and gingerly held it close to his chest. _Tim_ did that.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out. “I—I’m _sorry_ , Dick, I’m so, so sorry. Oh god. I should—I need to go, you – everyone will be safer, I have to—I’m _sorry_. I’m sorry, I did my best but—I _know_ I was never good enough, never should’ve been Robin, _Dick, I’m so sorry_.”

Scrambling to the window, his fingers clawed uselessly at the latch, shaking too much to actually do any good. There was a shout from behind him before an arm was wrapping around his waist and hauling him back until they both collapsed on the bed together. Tim thrashed – he had to get away, before he could hurt Dick again or get him _killed_ , for real this time.

A strained grunt made him freeze. _Just like that_ , he thought, nearly hysterical. God, how fucking worthless could he _get_? He couldn’t even stop injuring his own goddamn _boyfriend_ —

A kiss was pressed to the side of his head and Dick started whispering to him. “Hey, Timmy, just calm down, okay? My shoulder’s just a bit sore and you knocked it, that’s all. I’m alright, I promise. Breathe, baby, come on.”

The stream of soft, comforting words didn’t stop even as Tim shakily gulped in air, breath catching on half-formed sobs. When he had calmed down, Dick shifted them to be side-by-side, his good arm still wrapped around Tim, just tight enough that he knew Dick wouldn’t let him leave. Tim kept his gaze locked on the wall. The image of Dick’s body lying broken over cement was still bouncing around in his head, and he needed to hold on to that image, needed to remember what he did to the people close to them.

“Come on, you know the rule, baby bird. If you have a nightmare, then you have to talk about it. And you were the one who _made_ that rule, Timmy,” Dick teased gently.

And Tim couldn’t be a hypocrite on this. On a lot of other things, sure, but… not on this. “You _died_ ,” he tried to snap, to hopefully push Dick _away_ , but his voice broke. “You—you _fell_ , and I couldn’t catch you in time, and Bruce and Jason were _right_. It was all my fault, I got you killed just like I get _everyone_ close to me killed, and I never should have been Robin in the first place! I knew—I _knew_ I would never be as good as you or Jason, or now even Damian. I just—I hoped that I’d been enough, but I _wasn’t_ , and they were _right_! You caught me and I couldn’t even catch _you_!” Tim bit his lip hard before he could start crying again.

Dick was silent for a long moment, taking one deep breath after another. “Okay. So. Okay, there’s a lot to unpack there, but first of all: Tim, baby bird, sweetheart… I don’t know _how_ many nightmares I’ve had where I fail to catch you. I think I had that nightmare for a solid month and a half afterwards. Some nights it’s so real that I wake up absolutely convinced that’s what happened. I know I worried Alfred with how often I jumped out of bed to immediately review the footage of that night, just so I could see myself carry you in, beat to hell but _alive_.”

He pulled Tim into his lap, rested his chin on Tim’s shoulder, and continued, “So, when I say that _it absolutely is not your fault_ , please…” Dick absentmindedly brushed a strand of hair out of Tim’s face, tucking it behind his ear. “Trust that I know what I’m talking about? You don’t get everyone close to you killed. It’s just that most of the people close to you live the same dangerous lives that we do, and terrible things tend to happen to us.”

“As for being Robin…” Dick huffed, a sound that was _almost_ a sad laugh. “Jason wasn’t the same kind of Robin that I was, and you weren’t like either of us. Now Damian isn’t like any of us. We were all Robin, but we were all Robin in our own unique, amazing ways. And you _were_ , Tim. _Amazing_. You were an excellent Robin, and I will say it as many times as you need to hear it, and then some. I know you aren’t likely to believe me because of how I handled things while Bruce was gone.” He sighed, clutching him just a little bit tighter as he said, “I will fully admit that I fucked up with you. There were so many other things I could have done instead, but that’s on _me_. You were everything a Tim-Robin needed to be. Bruce and I… I don’t think we could ever regret having you as Robin, except for all the pain you’ve suffered because of it.”

Tim broke with a harsh sob, still not able to forget Dick’s fall. “I—I can’t stop _seeing it_. Dick, I—”

Dick moved them again so that they were facing each other. “Come on, look at me. I know you haven’t, don’t think I didn’t notice that, Timmy. But I’m right here, alive. You just have to _look_ at me, not at the wall. There we go, see? I’m okay.” He offered Tim a small, sad smile.

Tim lurched forward, burying his face in Dick’s neck, and curling around him as tight as he dared. “I’ve mourned so many people,” he whispered thickly. “Even if most of them came back, I can’t—I can’t lose you too.”

“I can’t promise that you won’t,” Dick said after a moment’s pause. “Our lives don’t allow for that. But I _swear_ , as long as I’m alive, I’ll be here for you. Come on, it’s still only one in the morning. Let’s try to get some more sleep, alright? You’ll feel better in the morning.”

Dick tugged Tim into curling up against his side – the uninjured side – and murmured words of comfort that gradually slurred more and more until Dick finally dropped off to sleep.

Tim waited an extra ten minutes before he slipped out of Dick’s arms. He couldn’t stay. Dick would only keep getting hurt until Tim eventually got him killed, just like he ended up getting everyone close to him killed. It didn’t take very long to grab the things that he cared about that were solely his and pack them into his car. The one thing he hesitated on, though, was his box of photographs. If he was going to leave Dick to keep him safe, he needed to leave all of it behind. Dick, the Bats, the vigilante life. The first step would be to let his beginning, his past, go. And that meant he had to leave the photos behind.

Before he left, though, there were two more people he needed to talk to – even if they couldn’t talk back.

* * *

The realization wasn’t immediate when he woke up. He was aware that something felt _off_ , but Dick wasn’t sure what it was. Being a vigilante meant that he stayed limp, acting as if he were still asleep and reaching for Tim just as he would have if he _were_ still asleep. If he could subtly wake Tim up, they might be able to—

Tim wasn’t there. Aaand, Dick had found the problem. He shot up, immediately looking for signs of kidnapping – could Ra’s _please_ stop trying to snatch his boyfriend? – or for Tim to be sitting somewhere with his laptop like he usually did when he couldn’t sleep. Instead, he found a room that was emptier than when he went to sleep. Most of Tim’s stuff was gone. After the conversation they had before going back to bed, Dick _really_ doubted that was a good sign.

His eyes caught on a box still on one of the designated Tim-shelves. Tim’s photos. He wanted to take it as a sign that Tim would come back – because he wouldn’t leave those behind for good, right? – but Dick didn’t want to risk it either. He’d let Tim go once before, expecting him to come back until Tim didn’t. He wasn’t making that mistake again.

Babs wouldn’t be pleased by Dick waking her up, but he reasoned that she would be even _less_ pleased if he lost Tim when they had just gotten him back not too long ago. So he called.

Two rings later, she answered. “Someone better be dying if you’re waking me up at… 3:30 in the morning for this.”

“Something happened. Tim thinks that just by knowing him people get hurt, and he decided to leave after I fell asleep. He’s missing and I need your help to find him before he gets too far. Babs, he took nearly all his things.”

There was a long moment of silence on the other end of the line. Then, “ _Shit_. Alright, while I get to my computer, tell me what you can about a timeframe, and I’ll try to find him on a security camera.”

“You already know we both had the night off tonight, so we actually went to bed pretty early,” Dick started explaining. “But then he had a nightmare and woke up sometime before one o’clock. By the time I got him calmed down enough to get some more sleep, it was about one. I was still awake until maybe 1:30, then I crashed. He must have still been awake and snuck out after that, but it would’ve taken some time to load up his car, especially if he was trying not to wake me up.”

Barbara hummed, the clacking of keys in the background. “Alright,” she said, “That gives two hours to work back through, but that shouldn’t take too long sped up. Once I see Tim’s car in its normal spot, I can work forwards more slowly until we’ve got a better idea of when he left. Then I can follow him on the cams. I’ll call back once I have something.”

Dick sagged in relief as she hung up. Babs would find him, with the Bats’ extensive camera coverage of Gotham at her fingertips. A half-hearted laugh slipped out; it was Tim’s own suggestion many years ago to increase the video surveillance over Gotham. Now, it was working against him.

In all fairness, Tim probably thought Dick would stay asleep long enough for him to get too far and disappear completely, but Dick didn’t want to think about that.

He jumped up and hurried to get ready, throwing on warm clothes and bundling up because it was late October in New Jersey, 3:30 in the morning. It was _pretty damn cold_ _out_ , and Tim sometimes forgot to actually put a jacket on, the spleenless idiot. He’d have grabbed Tim one too, just in case, if Tim hadn’t already taken all his. All Dick could do was hope he’d actually put one on.

By the time he was ready to go, he heard his text tone for Babs, hopefully with a location.

[ _He’s at the cemetery where his parents were buried. I’ll call if he leaves before you get there._ ]

“Oh, Timmy,” Dick sighed. His chest ached knowing that Tim was visiting his parents’ graves, something he almost never did. He snatched up his keys and headed out. He had a boyfriend to retrieve.

When he got there, Tim’s car was still parked outside the cemetery, packed just as he’d expected. Tim had really been prepared to just drive off and disappear for good. He made his way through the rows of graves silently, soon spotting Tim in the distance. He was curled up against Jack’s gravestone in a t-shirt and jeans. As he got closer, Dick could hear him talking to his parents, and his heart hurt at the words slipping from Tim.

With a quiet sigh, he tugged his jacket off and draped it over his shivering boyfriend. Tim’s rambling stopped abruptly as he looked up at Dick.

* * *

Updating his parents on _everything_ took some time, but he had needed to get it off his chest. But now that he’d gotten to what he had really wanted to ask, he hesitated. “Did… did you guys know?” he finally whispered. “Is this why you were always leaving me, because somehow you knew what I do to the people I get close to? Did you leave to try to stay safe from me?”

He choked out a sharp, bitter laugh, and looked down at his fingers weaving through the weeds. “It didn’t work in the end, did it? You’re still dead and… how can that not be, like, my curse? I get people hurt and killed, that’s… that’s all there is to it, really. I got you both killed, just like I got so many people killed already. Just like I’ll get so many more—”

He cut himself off as a jacket – _Dick’s_ jacket – was dropped on him, head snapping up to find Dick watching him sadly. He settled beside Tim, snaking his arms around his waist to pull him closer.

“Baby bird,” Dick murmured, “you’ve got to take better care of yourself, especially without your spleen. You _know_ this.”

Looking away, Tim could only shrug. “Forgot to,” he mumbled. He climbed to his feet, tossing the jacket at Dick, and began weaving back through the graves to his car.

Dick caught up to him quickly. He draped the jacket over Tim’s shoulders again and wrapped his arm around him for good measure.

“Let go already. I’m leaving and you can’t fucking stop me,” Tim snapped, pulling away.

Dick hummed. “We’ll see.”

“What the hell does that mean?!”

“It _means_ ,” Dick drawled, holding up a set of keys with a distinctive dice keychain, “that I’m the one with your keys.”

“Dick! Why do you even care?!” Tim yelled. He tried to grab his keys, only for Dick to hold them out of his reach.

Stopping in his tracks, Dick swung Tim around in front of him and stared at him with a hard expression. “I can’t believe you actually just asked me that, but I’ll leave it be because you’ve had a bit of a rough night. I care because I fucking _love_ you, Tim.”

Tim couldn’t help the way his shoulders curled in, or how he looked away.

“Hey,” Dick whispered. A hand on his cheek turned him back towards his boyfriend. “Tim, I let you go once. I let you run off and I didn’t go after you like I should have. I’m not making that mistake again. If you really have to leave you can, but I can’t imagine not coming with you, sweetheart. If you run… I will be right behind you unless you tell me that you truly don’t want me anymore.”

A raspy chuckle slipped out against Tim’s will. “You aren’t exactly Nick Parker, and I’m no Elizabeth James,” he murmured.

That drew a small laugh, as Dick wiped away Tim’s tears that he hadn’t realized were falling. “You can’t distract me with ‘Parent Trap’ references, Timmy. I’m serious. If you need to leave Gotham, I’ll be right there with you. I’m not letting you run off alone with some dumb idea that you’re protecting me.”

“Yeah,” Tim sighed. He leaned into Dick’s touch and squeezed the hand Dick still held. “I’m starting to get that.”

“Great! Then _you_ are going to get back in your car and drive straight home. When you get there, I want you to bundle up in blankets and put a Studio Ghibli movie in.”

Tim stopped mid-reach for his keys. “And what, exactly, are you planning on doing, if you’re not following me back?”

Dick dropped Tim’s keys in his hand and winked. “I’m going to swing by a 24-hour diner for pancakes, and then I’m coming home to snuggle up with you and watch movies. We’re _both_ taking tomorrow off. And,” the grin gave way to a Bat-glare, “if you _aren’t_ home by the time I get there, I’m calling in the entire superhero community to hunt you down.”

“Okay, okay,” Tim laughed lightly. “I get it. I’ll be there.”

“Good!” Dick pecked the cold tip of his nose. “Head home, baby bird, and… please, don’t try to leave again, unless it’s what you really want?”

Tim pulled Dick down into a chaste kiss. “I’ll try not to,” he murmured. “See you at home.”

“Go get warmed up, sweetheart,” Dick said, pushing him towards his car. He had some pancakes to pick up.

**Author's Note:**

> Did I really reference "The Parent Trap" (personally, the 1998 version, because that's the only one I've seen)? Yes, yes I did, and I refuse to be ashamed. Listen, that movie was one of my favorites as a kid, and it holds a special place in my heart.
> 
> Thank you for reading! If you like it, consider leaving comments and kudos!!


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